This week I had a chance to interview the always hilarious, Kathleen Madigan. She has a long list of television credentials including The Tonight Show, Comedy Central, and NBC's Lats Comic Standing to name a few. We spoke about how her parents have lost their minds, the militia movement she is starting in Missouri, and how she kept her rent from being raised in Hermosa Beach.

Andrew: Where are you right now?
Kathleen: My mom and dad's house. I'm at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. Have you heard of it?

Andrew: What is interesting about the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri?
Kathleen: In the midwest, especially here, there are a lot of fireworks for sale, Andrew. There's a lot of guns for sale, and a lot of fireworks. In fact, the one place by my parents house is actually called "Fireworks for Jesus". I don't really know what that means yet, but if you don't think I'm going up there before I leave, you're wrong.

Andrew: [laughing]
Kathleen: I'm gonna have a little conversation with these people asking them, "What the hell does that mean?" So, I am home, visiting my family.

Andrew: And how are your parents? Any new stories from your dad or mother you'd like to share?
Kathleen: Their landline hasn't worked in 4 days. And no one seems to care. I needed to fax something, and I had to go to a bar called Pickled Pete's. And I had to change their ink, and show them that on their fax machine, you need to [fax] it face up. When I asked if anybody had called the phone company, they looked at me like I had just asked, "Did everybody order their tickets to Mars?" They don't care anymore! They have given up contact with the outside world. It's over. It's all over. Ahh what else..? I said to my sister in the car, don't you think it's amazing that Missouri has states taxes and we still have such crappy roads. And she says, "Do you know what I think is amazing?", and I said, "No, what?", and she says, "I think it's amazing that the right eyeliner can change the look of any person."

Andrew: [laughs]
Kathleen: And I told her, "I'm going to jump out this moving vehicle if you keep saying things like that." Then she also told me that if you have really big hands, you probably have cancer. Now, I don't know if you want to Google that, and see if it's correct, but that came straight out of my sisters mouth, as fact. That's why I like to come home.

Andrew: [laughs] In your opinion, what separates a good comedian from a great comedian?
Kathleen: I think the funniest, best comedians, have an act that is personal versus impersonal. Now, what makes you do that, I don't know. When a comedian leaves the stage, could you describe them in 5 words? Them, not their act, them. Say for Jeremy Hotz, you could say neurotic, Canadian, Jewish, because those are the things he goes about telling you, you remember him. Versus, I'm not going to name names, but some people that do more observational humor. They could be talking about where the extra sock goes in the dryer. They are just talking about different subjects, and while it might be funny, eh.. I could take it or leave it. I'd rather know something personal, something different. That is a very serious answer to a very hard question.

Andrew: What is your current drink of choice right now?
Kathleen: Guinness, lately. I'm on a Guinness kick, again. And I like it even more if they draw the smiley face in the foam.

Andrew: And the little shamrock?
Kathleen: Oh, the shamrock is the best! Do you know how happy that makes me? It's the little things in life. My little friend, Lewis Black bought me a lighter that lights up like a disco ball when you light the lighter. And that thing has brought me more moments of joy that an entire career in stand-up comedy.

Andrew: [laughs]
Kathleen: It's sitting right here, I'll show it to you when I come down next week. You're gonna be jealous. Even if you don't smoke, you'll want it, just so you can play with it in bed. I'm telling you.

Andrew: What's gonna be the future for comedians beyond stand-up, where do you think the industry is headed? What are going to be the jobs for future comedians beyond the stage?
Kathleen: I don't think it's sitcoms anymore, regular TV is kinda over. I hope to God it's not "webisodes" because I'm so sick of getting tricked into doing those things for no money, I can't even see straight. I don't know what the hell it's gonna be. That's why I just keep telling jokes. I love being on stage. And I don't know when it became a thing that had to go to something else, you know what I mean? I'm a stand-up comic. Then it became this thing that all stand-up comics then must have a sitcom. it didn't used to be like that. That was a thing in the eighties. Maybe it shouldn't be anything but being a stand-up. Even people that are very successful and are very good at it, like Larry Miller, who has been in all those great movies, and he is a very good actor, and he is still out telling jokes because he likes it. That's what we do. The other stuff is more hobby, I think. Like sometimes I sneak out and sing opera. And you don't even know that about me, Andrew! It's a hobby. Nothing but a hobby. Even though I smoke, I can still belt out an aria like you wouldn't believe.

Andrew: Now you're going to make me Google words I've never heard of before.
Kathleen: Aria, it's the song that the lead opera lady sings all by herself. It's a solo. Aria.A-r-i-a. It's in crossword puzzles all the time, Andrew.

Andrew: [laughing] How is life on the road? Stand-up travel all over the country. Does it ever get [too] draining on you? Would you prefer to stay in Los Angeles, or wherever and have a steady gig?
Kathleen: Well, I haven't been in one place for more that 2 weeks at a time, and my sister says, "That is what is wrong with you." Now, I don't know what exactly that means, and I didn't ask what that means, I just let that lie. But going through the airport, if one more TSA person, who probably worked at Applebee's 4 years ago, steals my expensive face cream, you'll see me on CNN as the "lady who snapped". It won't even say "comedian", just "the lady who snapped" and went crazier that Travis the Chimp. Yeah, I really hate that stuff, and I really hate that everybody just goes along with it. It's like Nazi Germany. Everybody just goes, "Cuz they told me to." This guy took out my contact lens solution and, I am not kidding, put a Litmus test paper into it and I look at the guy and say, "What are you doing?" And he says, "I'm testing your contact solution." I ask him why, and he tells me, "Cuz we have to.", and I ask, "Says who?", he says, "TSA ma'am", and I say, "Says what?". And he just looked at me! This is how Nazi Germany got started, nobody asked questions! Everybody just says, "Isn't this great? We're so much safer!" Are we? Are we really safer because he tested my Bausch & Lomb? Please. That's my only complaint about the road, the rest is fine. That is why I want a tour bus, so I don't have to go through this any more. Like Lewis Black. He finally broke down and bought a bus because he couldn't take it anymore. He bought a bus because he said, and I quote, if he didn't, he would "end up barking like a dog on a tarmac." And I totally agree and understand the sentiment. "Why don't you take your flip-flops off?" "No? You can see my feet. If you think I had an operation and put things in my feet, then you need to open my feet." It's enraging to me because it is all without question. That's what we got, that was our present from 9/11. And don't think that anybody that put those rules in is flying commercial. They all fly private and don't have to deal with all that. They don't care.

Andrew: What if the dollar was to fall apart, and our economy was in complete ruin, in your opinion, what would be the key to surviving that?
Kathleen: I already have the key, Andrew!

Andrew: Oh you do? And what is it?
Kathleen: I have 200 acres in the Ozarks in Missouri where I'll start my own militia! Hellooo?

Andrew: [laughs]
Kathleen: I'm gonna get a trailer, and we're gonna have some meetings, I'm gonna get 4 beagles that I've always wanted, and they're gonna be mean, crazy beagles, the country beagles, that'll go mental on you. And their gonna guard the compound and we're gonna start our own country. I already have the "everything falls apart plan". Right now I'm working on the theme song.

Andrew: I like that your country, instead of a national anthem, it has a theme song.
Kathleen: It's a theme song. And we're all gonna have one copy of the Rosetta Stone that we'll all gather around to learn Chinese so we can talk to our new neighbors that have bought the country. Or at least be able to spy on them when they are making plans to take over my compound. Because I'm gonna have the last land left. Me and Ted Turner, I think. The Chinese are coming, Andrew. There's a billion of them, they have all of our loans, and guess what? They all get up every morning to exercise together, the whole country does jumping jacks. How hard is it going to be to throw our fat asses off the couches, watching Sportscenter and eating pizza? It's not going to be hard. That's what I think.

Andrew: [laughing] I never knew that a billion people got up together and did jumping jacks.
Kathleen: Oh yeah! Why do you think their opening ceremony was so good? They told them if you didn't make it to opening ceremony practice, we're going to kill you. Here, it would be like, "Hey do you think you can come by, maybe like around 9? We're gonna have practice.." That shit was the most frightening thing I have ever seen in my life. Yup.

Andrew: Is there anything you don't miss about living in Hermosa Beach.
Kathleen: Well, I don't miss waking up to beer bottles and vomit behind my parked car. Because I lived right behind the club on Manhattan Ave and my car would be parked in spot, and every weekend, I think they couldn't make it all the way to their car, so they would just vomit in my driveway behind my car. I don't miss that. I don't miss beach landlords, quite frankly, there's just no rules down there. One of the last apartments I had, there were so many termites, they started eating my stereo speakers. I called the landlord and said, "You do realize they're done with the building? They are now starting to eat my personal items. There is nothing left to eat except my speakers." And then he has the nerve to say he was going to raise the rent! And I said, "Well, if you do, I'm going to call the city and you're going to have to tent this place, and that'll cost you about $3500, I think, so go ahead." And he didn't. The beach landlords really are crappy, because there are too many trust-fund rats that will pay any amount of money, and then combine that with 100 surfers that will all agree to live in one place for a nickel. Normal people just can't... the rent got ridiculous for what you are getting. A friend of mine that is 6'2" went through my stairs because the termites had eaten through it, and when we picked up the board, it was completely hollow. I was like, "I will mail this board back to you, FedEx, and then I will mail it to the city and say, This is the building on [I'm not going to say the street]."

Kathleen Madigan is headlining The Comedy & Magic Club on Thursday, April 16th - Saturday April 18th 2009. Reservations Required. (310) 372-1193 or comedyandmagicclub.com. ER.